Hallelujah, you’re home.

I have had such a great visit back to Missouri. The past three days have been some of the best in recent memory. So many great people here to visit and too little time, but I feel like I am happy with everything here. I was thinking that this short visit might help to bring closure for some things and I feel like its too early to tell, but I do feel like this trip to my hometown and surrounding area was needed. I think I probably don’t need to go back to Jefferson City. I sort of did my goodbyes to where I grew up and where I lived. I ate ALL the food that I have been missing for years and probably won’t eat supper tonight. I feel overly full of awesome Midwestern comfort food. I had so many conversations with people over the last three days and I felt like I was home. Like I belonged. And I feel at home in New Mexico, but I rarely feel like I belong there. Its been a nice change.

I traversed the interstate system in St. Louis this afternoon with almost scary ease. I got lost on Reavis Barracks trying to get to Lemay Ferry, but it was a minor adjustment and I managed to get to my mom’s grave without too much checking of maps. My mom has been gone 10 years this year and was a big reason that I chose to return to MO this vacation. It felt important. I had never come to her grave by myself and it was tough. This anniversary of her death seems tougher on me than past years have been. But in many ways I am trying to get closure and move ahead. I feel like she is everywhere and I don’t feel all that much comfort by visiting her stone, but to see her name written there is powerful. It hurts all over again. But I like that her name is written down there. She’s right by my paternal grandparents and I like that their names are carved in stone, too. I don’t think it is necessary to be buried, but I do like the idea of some sort of marker that has your name engraved for people to see. I think people wander in cemeteries sometimes and look at names. Kind of a strange thought, but i feel like its a fairly common thing. When i lived across the street from a cemetery, I often saw folks wandering around or coming out of it. Whether it is walking their dog, wandering after a burial service, looking for a specific gravestone, or just something they do, I like that people read my mom’s name sometimes.

Ed Sheeran is on the cover of Rolling Stone and I think he is really a fantastic artist. I bought his latest album, % , the day it came out, but there is a song on it that ripped me up the first few times I listened. It is a mourning song called “Supermarket Flowers”. I don’t think my tablet I am writing this on allows me to insert music videos, but its a great song for days when the grief is suddenly around you again.

I hope that I see the world as you did cause I know
A life with love is a life that’s been lived

So I’ll sing Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you’d be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
When God takes you back he’ll say, Hallelujah
You’re home

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